a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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