Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I can't turn off my feet"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
