Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
