I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize