No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
