Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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