Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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