Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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