Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
