Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
