i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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