There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I need to stop coming to work sober
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
