I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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