why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
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I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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