my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
