Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
