i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
