the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
