who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
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You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
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Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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