He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
