I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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