My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
