girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
