i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
