There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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