he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
