wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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