So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
