I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
