Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
there is glitter all over my balls
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
