I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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