Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
