She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
