So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
