i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
