So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
