I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
