my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
