We won't sleep together?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
