THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
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Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
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Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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