Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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