I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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