just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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