my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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