At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you win again, gameday.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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