i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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