Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
