We named our party play list daddy issues
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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