life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
