I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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