just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
