Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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