if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
