3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
