I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
