Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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