I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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