I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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